Weary At Heart
by NemKess
Summary: warnings: shonen ai (obviously), angst. Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.
1. Dee

Title: Weary at Heart  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

Notes: Many of the italic 'memories' that Dee remembers are from translations of the Manga. The other italics are him arguing with his conscience.

"Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!"

Dee Laytner pulled back as though burned. His friend's outburst wasn't entirely unheard of; Ryo always made some kind of protest to any intimate contact that Dee might initiate. It wasn't even the first time those protests had been harsh and stinging.

Perhaps they hit Dee as strongly as they did because of the cases the detectives had recently finished up. Elusive serial rapists and murdered prostitutes were never something he enjoyed working on at the best of times- they brought back entirely too many memories of his own childhood. 

Or perhaps Dee was just weary at heart. He'd been in love with his partner, Ryo McClain, for the better part of two years. The handsome cop had done everything he could think of, including being completely celibate for the entire time, and still.. Still Ryo wouldn't believe he was serious.

Ryo's worried look pulled him out of his thoughts and he pasted on a smirk, knowing it was expected of him. "Sure, Ryo. Hey, you mind if I use your shower?"

Worry smoothed out to exasperated amusement. "I don't know why you bother to ask, you always do it anyways."

And that struck at Dee's rapidly crumbling facade as well and he knew he had to get out of the room and away from his partner as quickly as possible. "Well, it's just that I know you don't mind."

"Right." The sarcastic remark made it's own crack and Dee knew he was practically running as he fell into the bathroom and locked the door behind him, not bothering to respond to Ryo's comment about making dinner.

Two years...

Two very long, frequently lonely years.

He turned on the water, letting it warm, and then frowned at his reflection in the mirror as he pulled off his clothes. 

What did Ryo see when looking at him?

A tall, mostly attractive man, rapidly approaching thirty? A hard nosed cynical cop who liked to break the rules and cause trouble? An honest man who refused to hide his sexuality, even among co-workers who weren't exactly comfortable with it? Or maybe the street-wise, smart assed kid who still lurked under the surface? 

Perhaps the better question was, what was it that Ryo **didn't** see?

What was it about him that had so convinced the more shy, half-Japanese man that Dee couldn't be trusted? That Dee couldn't be serious in a relationship?

Certainly he'd proved in the last two years that his feelings weren't fickle.. He'd hardly even looked at another person, male or female, since he'd met Ryo. And more than once, Dee had been the one to walk away from something sexual between them when he knew his partner would have regrets.

The steam that fogged the mirror managed to remind him of his excuse for this escape and he slipped into the shower. Bowing his head, he let the water stream over his body. The heat helped with his physical chill, but did nothing for the ice that was making it's way through his chest.

_'Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!'_

Did Ryo really feel like he was being molested on a regular basis?

"No," he denied, shaking his head fiercely. Dee knew he would have backed off early on if he'd thought Ryo really didn't want him.

_'I'm not like you, Dee. I'm not gay.'_

"Maybe he isn't, but surely he loves me..."

_.. 'Don't you love me anymore, Ryo?  
'I never loved you to begin with.'...._

"He wasn't being serious, he was just irritated with me."

_He's always irritated with you.. The only time he's ever shown you the slightest encouragement was when you were hurt or he thought something bad had happened to you._

Dee glared sullenly down at the drain, as if his seldom heard conscience was hiding there.

_Admit it, Randy McClain does not and never has had any thought about you even remotely resembling the boffing bunnies scenarios that always run through your mind._

"Well it isn't like I can tell what he's thinking. I'm not a mind reader."

_No, but he's usually very vocal in his protests._

"He doesn't mean that"

_ "I don't know why you bother to ask, you always do it anyways."_

Did he really? Had he spent the last two years seeing only what he wanted to see and ignoring the truth? 

Had he been forcing his attentions on someone unable and unwilling to return them? 

Over and over, his conscience replayed all the various memories of the last two years that supported that idea. Defiantly, he tried to remember all the ones that proved his own belief that Ryo loved him.

Stacking the lists side by side left him on the losing side.

God. 

He'd been as bad and worse than any number of the predators in his own past. And though he could console himself with the knowledge that at least he'd never actually raped Ryo, he had to admit that on more than one occasion it had come damn close. 

There had been times when only his own experience with such things had stayed his hand.

Dee covered his mouth with his hands and fought the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. How close had he come to destroying the man he loved?

_But you didn't._

"But I could have."

_But you didn't. And now you know. You recognize what you've been doing and you can stop it._

"But I love him."

_Then love him enough to accept his friendship without pushing for more._

"I can't... I need time."

_You have vacation time. Instead of finagling your way into his vacation, use the time to get a grip on yourself. Loving him is all well and good. But don't be the kind of person that crushes what he loves._

Heartsick, but determined, Dee turned off the water and got out. He dried off quickly and pulled his clothes back on, wrinkling his nose a bit as he realized they were the same ones he'd just taken off. With a philosophical shrug, he sighed and straightened them out best he could.

It wasn't the first time he'd worn dirty clothes in his lifetime and he doubted it'd be the last.

Taking a few deep breaths to fortify his resolve and opened the door. Stepping out of the bathroom, he looked around and was relieved to note that Ryo was still in the kitchen. From the sounds of it, he was chatting with Cara. 

"'Bout time, moron. You're not the only person here ya know." 

Startled green eyes jerked down to see Bicky pulling himself upright from where he'd leant against the wall, waiting to use the restroom. Frowning, Dee nodded and stepped aside so that the boy could move past him. "Yeah, sorry."

Now it was the teens turn to look startled and the detective had to wonder if he'd really been so bad he'd never apologized in Bicky's presence. "You feeling okay?"

He smiled faintly at the kid's barely masked concern.

"Yeah, Bicky. Nothing to worry about." It occurred to him that if he had to look into Ryo's eyes before he'd come to grips with his new decision, he'd never be able to stick with it. "Hey, kid, do me a favor?"

The concern was quickly replaced with wariness. "Depends one what it is."

"Just... Can you tell Ryo that I had to go? And I'll see him tomorrow?"

Without waiting for an answer, he picked up his shoulder harness and gun from where he'd left it and put it on. He was aware of Bicky standing there, looking both confused and concerned as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door and released a soft, vaguely bitter chuckle. Usually he had to be forcibly removed from their apartment. The kid was obviously floundering, wondering why on Earth this time was any different.

At the door, he paused and looked back at the room he'd spent so much time in over the last two years.

Somehow, he doubted he'd see it again for a very long time- if ever.

His shoulders were slumped as he exited the apartment. 

Straightening up, he pushed his melancholy away. 

First thing was first. If he hurried, he could still make it back to the station in time to put in his request. The department shrink had been trying to get him to take time off for a while now, and they'd wrapped up most of their latest cases. He shouldn't have too much trouble getting leave, especially once the Chief and Commissioner realized that he would be taking it alone.

After that.. well, surely in a couple of weeks he'd be able to push his feelings for Ryo far enough down that being friends and partners with the man- friends and partner and nothing more than that- wouldn't kill him. 

If not...

Well, there were other police departments.

The click of the door shutting behind him had a sense of finality to it.


	2. Ryo

Title: Weary at Heart  
Ryo  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

Author's Notes: Wow. I never imagined my first foray into FAKE Fanficiton would go so well. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the first WaH and requested a sequel. I've decided to write several pieces for this. The plan right now, is to write a piece from the P.O.V of several different characters, but keeping a Dee piece in between each one.

"Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!" Ryo McClain could have bitten his tongue off when he saw his friend and partner flinch away from his harsh tone, but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to apologize. For two years he'd been fighting off both Dee's desire and his own. He was used to it and under most circumstances, his protests were only token and habit. Usually, he looked forward to both the excitement and the familiarity that the dark haired Dee inspired with his frequent, blunt advances.

It was usually a comfort to know how the other man felt about him.

Usually.

Lately though, he was filled with a simmering anger at the animals they'd been hunting. And Dee made a convenient, if undeserving target for his anger.

Still, he knew he had to say something and was about to when his friend waved away his apology with a typical careless gesture and a smirk. "Sure, Ryo. Hey, you mind if I use your shower?"

Worry smoothed out to exasperated amusement. "I don't know why you bother to ask, you always do it anyways."

Not that he minded. 

"Well, it's just that I know you don't mind."

He snorted in amusement as Dee practically parroted his thoughts. It was amazing how well they knew each other sometimes. Just like he knew that his partner tended to do what he wanted either way. 

"Right." With a grin, he headed towards the kitchen. "I'm just going to go make dinner, okay. Anything in particular you have a taste for?"

The sound of the bathroom door closing was the only answer to his query and Ryo turned back with a frown. Normally, that would have gotten some smart alec remark about Dee having a taste for him. Of course, after the long and stressful month they'd had, he figured that both of them were entitled to a little strange behavior.

Shrugging, he went about the business of preparing a meal of roast beef for his odd little family. 

It probably wasn't the most masculine thing in the world to be doing and he knew he'd be teased when Bicky and Dee made their appearances to eat, but honestly, he didn't care. Cooking relaxed him and after the last month he needed that. Not to mention that neither of them seemed to mind eating up the results. 

With a sigh, he popped the roast in the oven and sat back down to think. 

The past month had been a trial that had found him questioning his chosen profession frequently. They'd known who their murderer was early on, but finding enough proof to make the arrests had been difficult. The man had been a repeat offender with a number of brutal assaults on his record, along with a handful of other murder charges that had been thrown out of court due to various technicalities. Ryo could only hope that they'd been careful enough that the charges would stick this time. 

It made him sick to his stomach to think that someone like that could very easily end up back out on the streets soon if he or the others had messed up somewhere. 

And the rapist. His fists clenched. Another repeat offender who'd already done two prison terms for similar crimes in the past only to be let out early on parole for 'good behavior'. Luckily, thanks to the new laws (1) the man wouldn't be eligible for parole ever again, no matter how good he was. 

"Hi, Ryo!" 

He started slightly as Bicky and Cal stuck their heads through the doorway. He'd been so deep into his thoughts that he hadn't even heard them come in. 

"Hi guys. How was school?" 

Bicky snorted. "Same as always. Long and boring. Do you mind if Cal stays for dinner?" 

"Of course not." Ryo smiled at the pair as his mind drifted back to his earlier thoughts. Kids like Bicky and Cal were a big part of the reason he kept at the job, even during it's most disillusioning. Where would they be if there was no one there to at least try to keep them safe? 

"I guess that's the moron in the shower?" 

Ryo frowned at his young charge. He'd tried many times over the last two years to get Bicky to be more respectful towards Dee, but it hadn't really stuck. Of course, his partner didn't help matters. It was almost funny watching the pair bicker and fight, but usually it left him with a headache and he hoped that they would go easy on each other- and therefore him- for one night. "Dee is in the shower, but he should be out soon." 

"Good, cuz I gotta go." Rolling his eyes, Bicky hopped up out of his chair and headed out of the kitchen. "I'm just going to wait in there in case he actually decides to hurry his lazy butt up for once." 

"Bicky." 

The boy grimaced at the warning tone and waved his hands in a submissive gesture that Ryo didn't believe for a moment. "I know, I know. 'Stop talking bad about Dee'. I got it. Really." He then back quickly out of the room before anything else could be said. 

With a sigh, Ryo ran a hand through his sandy colored hair and gave Cal a weary smile. "I really don't know what I'm going to do with those two." 

She smiled brightly. "It's just that they're so much alike, you know. It makes it hard for them to get along, but they really do like each other despite that." 

Chuckling, he got out a bowl and began to make a biscuit mix. "You're right, I suppose. Still, it would be nice if they fought a little less." 

Cal shrugged and snagged a cookie out of the apple shaped jar on the table. "It's probably the only way they know how to communicate. I mean, face it Ryo. When you get right down to it, they're both orphans and street punks at heart. Leading that kind of life leaves a mark, you know." 

The detective turned towards her in surprise, shocked at the wisdom the young girl could dish out so casually. He had noted in the past some of their similarities of course, but he'd never really thought about it in quite the same way. 

He never got the chance to reply though as the sound of the front door closing resounded through the apartment and both he can Cal looked up just as Bicky shuffled back into the room wearing a bemused, almost concerned, expression. 

"Bicky? Was that Dee?" 

Troubled blue eyes met his as the teen nodded. "He said he had to go.. .That he'd see you tomorrow." 

Ryo's entire body tightened with shock. Dee had left? Without telling him? 

That wasn't like his friend at all. Usually it was next to impossible to get the dark haired man to budge from the apartment. Especially when there was a promise of food made. Dee wasn't much of a cook himself and Ryo got the impression that he'd lived off take-out and microwave dinners before they'd ended up partnered together. 

And he never left without saying good-by or trying to steal a kiss as he walked out the door. 

"Ryo..." Coming back to himself, he looked back down at his concerned foster son(2). "He didn't look so good. Not sick exactly... more like he was really upset about something. He **apologized **when I griped about how long he'd taken in the shower." 

Rushing past the kids, Ryo went in search of his partner. Despite being as quick as he possibly could, he only made it outside in time to see the back of Dee's car as it turned the corner of the block. He hurried back upstairs. 

Both Cal and Bicky looked as worried as he felt when reached the kitchen and grabbed the phone. Dialing Dee's cell number, he leaned against the counter trying to catch his breath. 

_'Hi. Sorry you missed me. If it's important, leave a name and number and I'll call back. Later.'_

"Dee, call me as soon as possible, okay? It's Ryo." Hanging up, he looked down at the two anxious faces staring up at him. The kids were smart enough to know something was wrong. 

Dee would never just leave without telling him. 

Forcing himself to calm down, Ryo gave the kids a strained smile. "I'm sure he'll be fine. And he did say he'd be by tomorrow, right Bicky?" The blonde boy nodded hesitantly. "There you have. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." 

A strained silence settled over the trio that lasted through dinner and all the way until Cal left and they were getting ready for bed.

Ryo knew that they would all be worried about Dee's odd behavior until they saw him again. 

Author's Notes:   
Ack! This ended rather abruptly and I don't really think it went as well as the first. I guess I just find Dee easier to write than Ryo. Sorry about that. I'll try to do better next time.  
I've decided to make this a sort of series. Mostly from Dee's P.O.V but with the others having a turn every now and then. Does that sound okay with everyone? Also, I'm trying very hard to keep everyone in character, but I know that some might not agree with how I see them- especially Dee. And I'll be reading into some things about Dee's past that aren't really talked about in the Manga- sort of fleshing out things that were left unsaid and my version might be vastly different from other's. Hopefully it won't upset anyone much- I won't be using any OC's if that makes everyone feel better. ^_^  
I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the first part of this story. It was great of ya'll and it's the reason I decided to keep at this fic (It was actually intended to be a one-shot). As most people were begging for a happy ending, all I can promise is to try. Sometimes fics have a mind of their own.  
Thanks all!   
NemKess 

1)In New Jersey and New York (I'm not sure about elsewhere) they have something called  Meagan's Law. Basically, it's a law that was passed after a seven year old girl was raped and killed by a repeat offender. For more information go here: ; There's also something called the Three Strike Law which is, unfortunately, being contested and amended even as I write this. Basically, it means that if someone is a repeat offender (convicted of a felony 3 times) then they are not eligible for parole- at all- and could even face life in prison. If they get 50 yrs as a sentence, then they serve 50 yrs. I think it's only a California law, but for fic purposes, we're going to say it's passed in New York as well. For more information go here: ; (note that most info found on it nowadays is only about how it should be changed- something I do **not **agree with, but let's not get into politics, okey day?) 

2) I have two different translations of the part where they discuss Ryo and Bicky's relationship.. one says that Ryo adopted him the other says that he's now his foster father. They are two completely different things but I don't know which translation is more correct. I just picked one, if it's wrong I'm sorry. 


	3. Dee

Title: Weary at Heart  
Dee2  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

The dark haired man stood directly in the flow of the crowd and watched the tourists stream around him. 

Tired green eyes glanced down at the betting form he held in his hands. Jacob had checked off the names of a dozen horses, insisting that he knew exactly which ones were going to win today. 

Dee Laytner wasn't exactly feeling lucky lately, but he'd let the old man talk him into leaving the stands to come down and make a small wager or two.

In his pocket, his cell phone beeped madly and he pulled it out to look at the caller's number.

_Ryo_.

With a sigh, he turned the sound down, and slipped it back into it's place. Pushing his way through the crowd, Dee found an empty bench out away from the stands and the betting area. He sat and leaned his head against the back, staring up at the trees.

Nine days.

It had only been nine days since he'd given up on the love of his life. It seemed like an eternity already. 

After leaving Ryo's apartment that afternoon, he'd gone straight to headquarters. It hadn't taken much to convince the Chief, the shrink, and Rose that he was in serious need of leave. Apparently, he'd looked as rotten as he'd felt. The Chief and the department physiatrist had been sympathetic and Rose had only made a few snide remarks about taking care of Ryo while he was gone. Remarks that had stopped abruptly when the Commissioner had realized that Dee just wasn't up to their usual bickering.

He'd been at loose ends once that was done, with no real plans or even an idea about how he was going to go about gaining the emotional distance he knew he'd need to survive being partners with someone for whom he held unrequited love. 

So, he'd just started walking. His feet had instinctively taken him to the one place that had ever been home to him. The nun who'd raised him had welcomed him with open arms.

They'd sat together, occasionally speaking but mostly silent, for a long time before Penguin had gone to make a phone call. He's sat there on his own, memories both recent and more distant, swirling around in his head until she'd come back. She'd beamed, handing him an address and a phone number. She had a brother, she said. He lived up in Saratoga and was more than happy to have him as company for a couple of weeks.

And that was how he'd found himself here, at one of the biggest race tracks in the country. Jacob had a fondness for the ponies and racing season had just started.

Ryo had tried to call dozens of times and Dee had ignored it each and every time. The first time, it had been all he could do not to pick up and beg forgiveness. The pain of giving his love what amounted to the cold shoulder was nearly a physical thing, but he'd managed to stand firm.

He had to do this. Otherwise, he was going to end up doing something truly unforgivable one day.

His blonde haired partner wasn't able to return his feelings and that was that. He had to accept that and move on. No matter how much it hurt. 

And it did hurt. More than he'd ever dreamed possible. 

"Dee?" The detective was jerked from his thoughts at the query and he looked up to see Jacob standing beside him. The wizened old man looked a little worried, so he managed to dredge up what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Apparently, it wasn't. His companion sighed and sat down next to him, looking up at one of the monitors that had been placed about the area so that those who couldn't find seats inside could still see the race. "Do you want to talk about it?"

What could he say? _I'm in love with this guy who doesn't love me back. I left because I finally realized that I was abusing him. _Somehow, he didn't think that would really go over well. In the end, he just shrugged.

Even if the nun's brother didn't have a problem with homosexuals, he probably didn't really want to know his houseguest's story.

"Nancy said you're letting go of someone you love."

"Nancy?"

The old man laughed. "Sorry, Sister Mary Lane(1). Before she joined the church, her name was Nancy." Jacob leaned back, eyes still on the racing monitor. "It's hard, letting go of someone. Even if it's for their own good or because they want you to."

Dee fought the urge to roll his eyes. Just what he needed, an old man intent on dishing out his worldly wisdom. Just go with it, he told himself. "Yeah."

"When Nancy got it in her head that she'd been called, I thought she was nuts. We weren't very religious, you know. And we'd always been so close. But all of a sudden, she wasn't my little sister anymore." It had never occurred to Dee that Penguin might have had a life outside of the nunnery and the orphanage, though he supposed it should have. Curious about the woman who'd raised him so lovingly over the years, he focused on what Jacob was saying. "We fought so much, there at the end." He sighed. "Looking back, I can't help but wonder if we'd be in closer contact now if I'd just let go and respected her wishes sooner. Trying to hold on as tightly as I did... all it did was push her further away." He reached over and patted Dee's shoulder. "You're making the right decision. It's not the same thing, of course, but... sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. If you're ready to go, you don't have to hang around here waiting for me."

Nodding, the dark haired man stood and stretched. "Thanks, Jacob. I think I need a walk." Preferably one with a cold beer waiting at the end of it. In the last week and a half, he'd gotten to know the bars around town pretty well, but there was one in particular that was always the most boisterous and welcoming. "Don't wait up for me, I'm not sure how late I'll be."

"All right, you have the key I gave you?" 

"Yeah. See you later, Jacob," he called as he turned to leave.

A gentle breeze ruffled his hair as Dee walked along the sidewalk, occasionally moving aside to let the large crowds surge past him. Racing season, he'd been informed, tended to triple the Saratoga Springs's population. And it seemed that everyone was heading to the track except the detective.

He was only vaguely aware of his surroundings. In the city, such a thing would have gotten him in trouble. Here, even during the busy season, it merely got him a few annoyed glances as he almost walked into people.

A faint ringing sounded again and he pulled his phone out again. He frowned. The number was one he didn't recognize. With a shrug, he put the phone back up. The only people he was answering at the moment, were the Chief and the Sister. Everyone else could leave him a message.

Ignoring his phone, he thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans and walked on. The late afternoon sun shone down brightly, glistening off his black hair and more than a few people stopped to take a second look at the tall good-looking man in their midst. Dee paid little heed to them though, lost in thought as he was. 

Nine days away had done little to dull the ache in his chest whenever he thought about his partner. If anything, it had gotten worse.

And Ryo was seldom out of his thoughts.

But Jacob was right.

Sometimes letting go was the best thing for all concerned. 

A younger, leaner face flashed through his mind's eye and he sighed again. Would things have been different for Arnon(2) if he'd just let go? Would the boy he'd grown up with, the only person besides Ryo that he'd truly loved- romantically speaking-, still be alive today if Dee hadn't held on so tightly? Had his refusal to accept Arnon's wishes pushed the other boy to drugs? To the fate those drugs had made for him?

Penguin had assured him that it wasn't his fault.... but...

_You couldn't let go. _

Dee scowled and kicked at a rock that had been laying in his path as his conscience made it's scheduled appearance for the day. He didn't feel like arguing with himself. Not after nine days of hell. "Shut up. I don't feel like dealing with you today," he muttered.

And he didn't feel like dealing with memories either, though they were being particularly unobliging.

Over the years before Ryo had become his partner, he'd had a number of short flings. Some had become friends, but for the most part, he didn't even try to keep in contact beyond a few weeks. Male or female, he hadn't been serious about any of them. They'd all been a way to pass the time, to help him forget that the one he loved was dead.

And then Randy McClain had waltzed into his life.

His first reaction upon getting an up close look at his new partner had been shock. McClain was like a grown up Arnon, right down to his soft spoken demeanor.

... _'Please, don't call me a baby.'_ he'd said.

_...'Please, don't call me a baby.'_ .... Arnon had said that too, right after they'd met. Although, at six, Arnon had been a lot closer to being a baby than Ryo had.

When he'd noticed the Oriental heritage hinted around the dark eyes, he'd grasped onto it like a drowning man grasps onto a life preserver. His childhood sweetheart had blue eyes. Bright German blue eyes. 

_'Do you have a Japanese name?'   
'...Yes, it's Ryo...'_

Nationality was such a small difference really, but in those early days, it had been enough. Enough so that he didn't get the two confused in his mind. 

But then he'd gone and fallen in love with Ryo anyways. 

"I don't want to think about this," Dee whispered furiously to himself. 

A blast of loud music caught his attention and he looked up to find himself across the street from his destination. He'd gone there most nights since he'd been in the town. Despite it's practically being a Navy bar (or maybe because of it) he'd been approached by several women and more than one man. 

Sleeping around had worked before, when he'd wanted to forget.

Maybe it would work again.

~*~*~Author's Notes~*~*~  
I'm sorry! I lied... I used an OC... *sighs* but he doesn't have a very big part, so maybe that'll be okay. And please don't beat me up for the way this one ended.. It's not over! I swear! Ryo's turn again, next. I don't think he's going to be very happy with Dee, do you? Also, I may re-write this in the future... I'm not completely happy with it... but wasn't sure how to fix it since I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong. If you guys noticed anything specific, please be sure to let me know in your reviews. And, I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed the previous chapters. I'm glad so many people like the idea of making Ryo do the chasing. I like the couple and the characters, but I have to admit that Ryo drives me batty sometimes with his wishy washy attitude towards Dee. He really does make the poor guy suffer needlessly.   
Again, this was too short and took too long. Sorry about that. Thanks guys! ^_^ NemKess

1) In the translations I have (both of them, actually) she says her name is Maria Lane. I've never known a nun that wasn't called Sister Mary- whatever... Apparently, they change their names once they take their vows.. or something like that. so, I took a small liberty here, trying to keep it both true to the Manga and true to facts. Nancy was literally just a name I drew out of a hat. Jacob is the name of one of my own brother's and was easy to think up. ^_^ I'm nothing if not simple.

2) Arnon was the friend of Dee's who's death led to him finding out about Jess Laytner being a dirty cop. And, in a roundabout way, led to Dee being a cop. You don't really find out much more than that about him, but I was struck by how much he looked like the younger images of Ryo.

Saratoga Springs: I used to live there and it's a good place to take a vacation. Not to mention it's the only place in NY that I know well enough to include in a fic. The track, the bar, and the streets are all portrayed as accurately as my occasionally faulty memory allows. I didn't include the name of the bar for the simple reason that I couldn't remember it. For more information about the area go here- ; 


	4. Chief

Title: Weary at Heart  
Chief  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

~*~*~

Every so often, Chief Jonathan Smith of the Criminal Investigation Department of New York City's 27th Police Precinct(1) would sit in his office and pull out a double handful of old manila folders out of a locked drawer in his desk. Then he'd spend an hour or so reminding himself of what his mistakes sometimes cost people. 

The manila folders were each old case files. Cases where someone he'd known, even if only vaguely, had paid for his mistaken judgment.

Nine days after his laziest detective had come into his office looking like death warmed over asking for leave, was one of those times.

That particular detective had paid for his mistakes more often than anyone else.

Sighing, Smith pulled two of the older ones out of the pile. 

The first was for the murder of one Arnon Rozenburg(2). He hadn't been the investigating officer on that one, Jess Laytner had. But the file had made it's way into his hands after the other cop's death. In fact, he had the file for Laytner's murder in the pile as well. The second file was for the kidnapping and assault of Dee Laytner, which he had been assigned. 

He unclipped the photo that had been attached to the corner of the second file. Borrowed from the dead cop's desk to use on flyer's and in the news report when Dee had turned up missing, it had been taken the very first time he'd met the kid. Jess Laytner had brought Dee and Arnon to the NYPD's annual 4th of July Family Bar-B-Queue one year. Few of the other cops had been pleased that Jess had brought a pair of gay delinquents to their picnic, but he'd been insistent. The boys were the closest thing he had to family and apparently, he'd promised they could come as long as they stayed out of trouble- which, for once, they had. 

Jonathan hadn't cared one way or the other. He and Jess hadn't been in the same department, so other than a brief introduction, the trio hadn't really come into contact with him all that much. He could recall a vague sense of annoyance mingled with respect that they'd dared to be so open about themselves, but that was the only impression he had. 

"Dammit!" 

His attention was jerked firmly back into the present as a phone went flying across the squad room and into one of his windows. With a frown, he stood and moved to his door just in time to see McClain shove all the papers off his desk. "McClain! What the hell are you doing?"

The sandy haired detective turned to glare at him, a smart retort seeming to be just on the tip of his tongue. Until he realized who he was about to smart off to. He was probably the only detective in the department that didn't go out of his way to be a nuisance. "Sorry, Chief." The apology was barely discernable, but Smith heard it.

"Walk with me, Randy." The other man shuffled along behind him with reluctant compliance. His shoulders were drooped and his head bowed. Jonathan walked them out of the main squad room and to one of the lesser used break rooms. Once there, he sat back and watched his companion for a long moment. Then he sighed. "You wanna tell me what that was all about, McClain?" The Japanese American had become increasingly volatile in the last week and a half, twice losing his temper in fits of rage more suited to his hair-triggered partner. One of their most recent cases was in danger of being thrown out because Ryo had torn into the suspect. If it kept up, the man would have to be taken off the streets until he got himself under control.

Dropping down into one of the folding metal chairs, Ryo laid his arms on the table in front of it and rested his head on them with a sigh. "I'm sorry, sir. I've been trying to get a hold of Dee all week and I keep getting his voice mail. I guess I just lost my temper when it happened again. It won't happen again, Chief."

With a sigh, Jonathan leaned against the wall and stared at the weary detective. He had a hunch that McClain had played some part in Dee's sudden decision to take the recommended leave he'd so violently opposed only hours prior. Pairing them together had been another mistake he'd made, he supposed. Honestly, he'd just hoped that the rookie's positive work ethics would rub off onto his new partner.

Instead, Randy's file was now dotted with the same reprimands that had always filled Laytner's and both cops had the highest injury rate in their division. Either one of them had more hospital visits than the rest of the unit's detectives combined. Despite his recklessness, Dee had only had 3 work related injuries to his name before being partnered with Randy. He'd had three times that in the two year's since.

"Look, Randy... Dee's got some issues right now. I'm sure that when he gets his head screwed back on right, you'll be the first person he calls." Actually, he was sure of the exact opposite, but the Chief really didn't need to be two detectives short. "Until then, calm down and do your job. Otherwise, when Laytner gets back, he's going to be short a partner. One more outburst and I'm gonna have to pull you off the streets. Understood?"

The absolute misery in those dark eyes, when McClain lifted his head and nodded, made him sympathetic, but there really wasn't anything he could do about it. The pair either had to work out their own problems or be separated. He'd already made one mistake by putting them together. He wasn't going to compound it by messing around with their lives now.

"Understood. May I go now, sir?"

"Yeah. Get outta here."

The younger officer stood and left the room quickly. The elder sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as he followed at a more sedate pace. Damn but he was too old for this crap. Maybe it was time to start looking into retirement.

Re-entering the squad room, he noticed that McClain had gone straight to one of the other officers and borrowed their phone. By the way his face drew up into another scowl, he'd apparently tried to call Dee again without success.

_Must have realized the kid is screening his calls_, he thought as he shook his head and went back into his office. He stopped short though at the sight of J.J. leaning over his desk peering at the files there. Dee and Arnon's files.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The young man straightened up immediately and pink tinged his cheeks. "Sorry sir. I just needed to ask you something. You weren't here so I thought I'd wait-"

"Shut up. What did you need?" He moved around to the back of his desk and quickly scooped up the files. Depositing them back into their usual drawer, he slammed it closed and locked it- all under the watchful eye of his youngest, most annoying detective.

"Err... well... the Lieu. from Vice came up here earlier looking for a sharp shooter for an operation tonight. Since Ryo's been acting all weird since Dee-sempai left, I figured I'd be the best choice, but we need your approval first." He dropped some papers onto the Chief's desk.

Looking them over carefully (he'd stopped just signing things after Dee had managed to slip by a form re-instating him to active duty once), he took note of the time and locale of the bust. Seeing that everything was in order, Jonathan grabbed a pen and, grunting in annoyance, signed off on it. Most of the other officers preferred dealing with Randy. But, pain in the ass though he was, J.J. really was the best shot on the force. 

"There, now get outta here. Be unusual for once and go do some actual police work."

J.J. picked up the forms but rather than leave at the dismissal, he hovered uneasily in front of the desk.

"Excuse me, Chief?"

Annoyed, Smith glared at the detective. "What?"

The detective chewed on his lower lip for a second before nodding his head towards the locked drawer where the files had gone. "Was that Dee-sempai?"

"I hardly think it's any of your business, now is it Detective Adams?" 

At the dangerous tone, J.J. straightened up to his full height and snapped a salute. "No, sir." Then he was gone.

_I really am too old for this crap_, Jonathan mused again. Standing, he moved over to the window and stared out over his city as he let his mind wander back again.

His mistakes. 

Dee had turned up missing the same day that the body of Jess Laytner had been found. When the nun, Mother Maria Lane, had come to the station no one had paid much attention to the near hysterical woman. Orphaned delinquents ran away all the time. She'd recognized him from an earlier case and had begged him to do something. He hadn't believed that anything was wrong, but he'd humored her. He'd snagged the one pic of Dee that had been in Jess's things, helped her make flyers, and even sent it to the news station.

A week later he'd received a package from the dead cop. It had been filled with records of all Laytner's criminal dealings. Everything needed to bust the people he'd been working with.

His happiness at finally being able to nail one of the worse syndicates in the city had turned to horror at the bust the next evening when he'd found Dee in their not so tender care.

No one had understood why he was as upset as he was. Not looking hard enough for the kid had been a mistake they'd all made, not just him. 

His own partner and Captain had been baffled when he'd gone out of his way to make sure that Dee and the orphanage wasn't troubled with medical bills and later, when he'd signed the recommendation needed for the kid to get into the Academy. And once he made Chief, everyone had thought he'd lost his mind when he put in the request for the kid to be transferred into his unit as soon as he was eligible. Even that early in his career Dee had had a reputation for being reckless and rebellious, not to mention very open about his sexuality. 

Some of the others just shook their heads now, whenever Dee pulled some dumb stunt or another. Most of them would have drummed him out of their department within months- and yet, Smith had kept him for years.

They didn't understand that while that one mistake still made him sick to his stomach, that wasn't the one that had done the most damage. It wasn't the one that still gave him nightmares.

It wasn't the reason he'd look out for Dee as long as they were both on the force. It wasn't the mistake that the kid was still paying for, even after all this time.

Quite simply, he'd known, years before Arnon Rozenburg had been killed, that Jess Laytner had been a dirty cop.

And he'd done nothing at all.

~*~*~

Author's Notes:  
*wails* I'm so confused! I recently got the new TokyoPop release of the first two volumes of the Manga. I now have 5 translations- that's if you count both the sub and dub of the OVA- concerning Rose and the Chief and their rolls in the department. Each one is **just **different enough to be confusing. *sighs* Adding to the hinky hierarchy that Sanomi Matoh put in the series and I'm just plain lost. My Uncle is a police officer and I just know he'd be in stitches from laughing if I asked him to help me sort it out, well... maybe not because he is a bit homophobic, but still. You get the point. Oh, and the files that the Chief was keeping? Copies. I'd have to ask, but I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to keep the actual files, whether they were the investigating officer or now. Also, I know that this was supposed to be from Ryo's P.O.V.. It just didn't work out that way. I'm sorry that this took so very long. I also write Harry Potter fiction and with the release of the new book, I wanted to finish all my pre-OotP fics before I went and read it. *Sighs* It's taking longer than I'd planned as I underestimated the number of half finished fics stored in my files. And then there were questions that I had about certain things... Thank you Wildefyre for answering them and putting up with my babble! Many thanks to my good friend Pixie Wings who helped me get this out. ^_~ Sometimes just having a second pair of eyes going over the story really is all it takes. Well, Thanks for all the great reviews to the previous parts and I hope that this was worth the wait. Next part (for real this time!) Dee returns! ^_^ Ja! NemKess  


1) Technically speaking, the entire law enforcement hierarchy is kind of skewed in FAKE and that made it difficult to get some things right. For the most part, Chief Smith actually seems to do the job of a Captain or a Lieutenant and Rose seems more like a Chief rather than a Commissioner (although, not really because the Chief of Police doesn't often get involved in individual investigations). I decided it was best to stick to FAKE's apparent hierarchy rather than confuse things with normal rank distinctions.

2) To my knowledge, they never gave any of Dee's old friends from the orphanage last names. And I'm not sure how German this particular name is, I just liked how it sounded. ^_^


	5. Dee

Title: Weary at Heart  
Dee3  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

The new building that had been built to house the 27th precinct after it's old one had been destroyed by a mad bomber was much the same as it's predecessor. The shiny paintjob had already begun to fade, graffiti was scrawled along the wall, and the front side walk was littered with that odd mix of vagabonds and crisp uniformed officers that could only be found outside of a police station.

As Dee stood outside it's doors, he couldn't have cared less.

His two weeks leave were up and it was time to put his new resolve to the test. It was time to quit hiding from his partner and go back to work.

The detective was fighting the urge to hyperventilate at the mere thought.

All his two weeks away had done was show him how very miserable he'd be if he ended up having to completely cut Ryo out of his life. If he couldn't find a way to make the friendship work without giving into the urge to push the man he loved (despite his best efforts) into something that would destroy them both.

Still, it had never been said that Dee Laytner was a coward. Taking a deep breath, he pushed his way inside. He called a cheery greeting out to Janet at the front desk(1). In the corner of his mind he wondered if they were ever going to promote the poor woman. She'd been alternating between a beat and the front desk for the better part of two or three years now.

He managed to push his way into a crowded elevator and rode it up to the CI's floor, praying the entire time that Ryo wouldn't be in. Cowardly or not, Dee really wasn't ready to face the man first thing. 

Out on the proper floor, things were quiet. Unusually so for the mid-morning hour. 

His pace slowed as he reached the door to the bullpen. Ignoring the tiny part of his mind that was jeering at him, he stuck his head in and looked around. 

The Chief could be seen doing paperwork in his office. 

Ted was leaning back in his chair with the phone tucked between his neck and one shoulder muttering the occasional 'uh huh' as he took notes.

A couple of new guys were trying to figure out how to operate the demon that Supply swore was a copying machine. He mentally sent a good luck in their direction, they'd need it. In the six months since the damn thing had been installed it hadn't put out a single copy. Most of the detectives had taken to going over to Vice and borrowing theirs.

Shaking his head, he turned back to his search.

J.J. was disappearing into the break room.

And Ryo was no where to be seen.

With a sigh of relief, Dee took a moment to get his game face on and then pushed into the room as if he didn't have a care in the world. 

The handful of people that were in called out greetings in various degrees of warmth.

Dee gave a friendly wave but bypassed them all to head to the Chief's office. The old man had heard the welcome back's and was looking up, waiting for him.

"Chief."

"Laytner." Smith looked him up and down, making Dee feel like an bug under a microscope before gesturing back at the door. "Shut it and take a seat, Dee." 

Out of prying eyes, the dark haired detective allowed himself to slump down into the one of the chairs in front of the Chief's desk. 

Critical eyes stared at him for a moment longer before the Chief sighed. "You don't look a helluva lot better now than you did two weeks ago. Did you manage to get anything resolved while you were gone?"

Shrugging, Dee responded with a lackluster grin. "Some, sir."

Smith nodded slowly. He shuffled through some papers, looking over them carefully before handing a few over to the younger man. "Ms. Riley put your time off in as advised medical leave. You need to fill those out and your pay for the period will be put back through instead of being held. It'll also keep this from counting against your regular accumulated leave." He was staring again as he sat back and Dee was starting to get more than a little uncomfortable. His superior's next words startled him. "Do you need to switch partners?"

"Sir? I didn't.. How did..." He was at a loss for words. He hadn't realized that the Chief had known Ryo was the main reason he'd left. As long as they'd worked together though, Dee supposed he should have. "No, sir. It'll be fine."

"You sure? If the two of you aren't going to be able to work together-"

"To be perfectly honest, Chief, if we can't work together as partners then we won't be able to work together at all."

"Should I start looking into possible transfers? Just in case?"

Dee thought about it. Really thought about it. If it came to that, he was going to want to get out as fast as possible. Still, he intended to make every effort to see that it **didn't** come to that. And if there was such an easy answer just waiting to be taken.... Well he couldn't swear he wouldn't turn tail and run even if he knew he'd end up regretting it for the rest of his life. "Not yet, sir."

Another long look and then the Chief was nodding again, more hesitantly this time. He looked like he had something weighing on his mind but wasn't sure whether or not to bring it up with Dee. For a long moment the pair sat in silence before the older man opened his mouth to speak again. "Dee-"

The shrill ring of the telephone interrupted whatever he was about to say and Dee was grateful. 

Unsure whether he was supposed to stay or go, the detective shifted uneasily in the chair. 

Noticing, the Chief covered the speaker of the phone with one hand and ushered him out with the other. "Go on," he ordered in a hushed voice. "McClain and Drake are out at a scene right now. Go catch up on the current case load while you're waiting on them to get back." Then he moved to hold the phone right and turned his chair around. In a louder voice he resumed his conversation with whoever was on the phone. "No, I'm still here, Sam. What was that?"

Back out in the relative safety of the bullpen, Dee was heading towards his desk when he got the strangest feeling that someone was staring at him. He thought it was the Chief at first, but a glance in that direction showed that the man was still facing his window and chatting on the phone. Unobtrusively scanning the room, he was about to give up when he spotted J.J. watching him from the corner.

Sighing and closing his eyes, Dee braced himself for the coming glomp . When it didn't come, he opened his eyes back up and turned fully to meet the blue-gray gaze of the sharpshooter. 

As soon as the younger man realized that he'd been caught, his cheeks heated up and he averted his eyes back to whatever papers he had in his hands.

Dee could only shake his head in confusion as he continued to his desk. Glancing at his partners desk, his brow wrinkled in confusion as he took in the mangled cell phone sitting dejectedly in a box on the corner. He knew the phone had been working perfectly fine just a few days ago because Ryo had called him from it. 

Worry flashed through his mind, but he managed to get it under control. The Chief would have said something if anything had happened to his partner while he'd been gone.

"Hey Ted?" His fellow detective had finished taking the call and was doing his own paperwork. He glanced up, a questioning look barely nudging out the boredom on his face. "What happened to Ryo's cell phone? Looks like it had a run in with a sledge hammer."

With a laugh Ted leaned back in his chair. "Nah, just the Chief's office wall. Ryo threw it in a little temper tantrum the other day."

Looking back over at J.J. for confirmation to this unbelievable bit of news, Dee was confounded to see the lavender haired young man once again staring at him with an odd expression. As before, he blushed and dropped his eyes again.

For his part, Dee was beyond confused.

The Chief being accommodating.... 

Ryo throwing things in anger...

J.J. being just plain weird...

It was official, Dee decided. He'd gone away for two weeks and the entire department had turned into the twilight zone. What the hell else was going to happen?

"Yes!" The cry made him turn back to the copying machine where one of the rookies had finally succeeded in the impossible.

The befuddled detective just sat down and turned his complete attention to the paperwork overflowing his desk. Maybe if he ignored the world for a few hours, it would right itself.

He wasn't sure how much time passed as he lost himself in the monotony of forms and files- in triplicate- but it hardly mattered as he moved to put yet another set in the 'finished' box and was jerked out of his seat by rough hands on the back of his shirt.

"Hey! What the hell?"

The other detectives in the room just stared as he was bodily dragged off to the break room. His eyes met Drake's sympathetic gaze and his mind froze. 

Oh shit, he thought glancing over his shoulder to see a pissed off Ryo. Maybe he should have just asked for that transfer to be effective immediately.

Randy 'Ryo' McClain was a beautiful man- a fact that Dee was painfully aware of. But in a towering rage, with his dark eyes seeming to shoot sparks and a faint rose color to his cheeks, he was freaking gorgeous. All thoughts of fear at that rage or of abandoning his pursuit of this exquisite creature were slipping out of his mind faster than he could hold them.

_Oh no you don't. Don't ruin two weeks worth of misery in five seconds idiot. Think of Ryo. Hell, think of Arnon!_

An image of Arnon as he'd last seen the boy, broken and bloodied and dead, was overlaid with a similar image of his companion.

By the time Ryo had pushed him down into a chair and sat down into the one across from him, Dee had a hold of himself again. That annoying little conscience was good for making him remember just why he was torturing himself in the first place, if nothing else. 

The Japanese American scowled at him for a long moment. Dee recognized the interrogation tactic and was impressed in spite of himself as he began to twitch under the glaring scrutiny.

"Talk."

Leaning back, trying to look as casual as he could despite the pounding of his heart and the sweat on his palms, Dee shrugged and grinned. "About what?"

Scowl deepening, Ryo leaned forward as if to make up for the space Dee had tried to put between them. "You know what. Why the hell did you just take off? Where did you go? And why the hell didn't you answer my phone calls?!" His chest was heaving with his agitation.

Dee watched in fascination. He'd seen Ryo get worked up before of course, but the change it made in the normally cool-headed gentle man never failed to amaze him. 

_You're getting off track again._

Shaking himself mentally, the former orphan called upon his old puppy dog face- the one that had melted even the hardest hearts and kept him out of a great deal of trouble as a youth. Arnon used to laugh at him for it but had never been able to deny the effectiveness of 'The Look'. The other boy had said that it made him look like an abandoned puppy who was afraid of getting kicked. He'd avoided using it on Ryo for the most part although he knew it slipped out sometimes without conscious thought.

He didn't want to lose Ryo's friendship just when he'd realized that it was all he **could** have and that it was worth the torture of having what he wanted most and couldn't have at all forever just out of his reach.

"I'm sorry, Ryo." He murmured while hanging his head in very real shame. He **was** sorry. He was sorry for the pressure he'd put on his partner, for the constant molestation, for the near-rapes. He was sorry for wanting more than the other man could give. 

Mostly, he was sorry for upsetting the man no matter what he did. Not that he was going to tell Ryo all that. He'd let him draw his own conclusions.

The look and the apology had the desired affect and he could see his partner slump as the anger left him. In it's place was a hurt confusion that cut Dee far worse than any rage could. The urge to comfort Ryo with a hug was nearly overwhelming but he managed to restrain it- barely.

Down that path was the slippery slope right back to the edge he was trying to avoid.

"Why didn't you answer my calls, Dee?" The betrayed hurt in Ryo's tired voice was another dagger to his chest.

He didn't know how to answer that. He didn't want to lie straight out, but at the same time, he knew the truth would be too much for his soft hearted partner.

He couldn't just say '_well, I left to avoid you. Why on Earth would I take your calls?_'. His mind scrambled for something, anything, that wouldn't make the situation worse and nearly sighed in relief when he finally hit upon something. A lie, but only a small one. "My phone was turned off, Ryo. I didn't check my voicemail until this morning." The last was true, at least. Knowing that the Chief would inform him if anything happened, Dee had put off having to listen to his partner's voice as long as possible. "The shrink said no stress and I figured the phone counted as stress."

That seemed to appease the other man somewhat. He still looked slightly hurt, but the betrayed look was gone. "And you couldn't have told me what you were going to do before you left?" Fond exasperation was starting to edge it's way into his tone.

Dee turned his face away as he felt the heat welling up in his cheeks. "I knew if I gave myself time to think about it, I wouldn't have gone through with it."

Since he was looking in the opposite direction and his mind was still tumbling over itself trying to explain everything without actually explaining anything, he didn't notice Ryo stand and move over to his side of the table. 

So when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders, his heart began to flutter wildly and his breath froze in his chest. The dual reactions left him light-headed and for a moment he allowed himself to lean back into the quiet strength that had so drawn him to Ryo in the first place. 

'..._Damn it, Dee. Can't you grope someone else for one night!.._'

As the memory of the harsh words crashed through his mind, the dark haired man tensed back up and though he desperately tried to relax and cover it, he knew Ryo had felt it. 

Pulling away, he stood up and moved out of the break room with Ryo following behind curiously. Before he could be questioned, Dee redirected the conversation. "Hey, did something happen while I was gone?"

For some inexplicable reason, Ryo blushed. "What do you mean?"

Dee filed the reaction away for perusal at a later date. As curious as he was about what had caused Ryo's embarrassment, he was more worried about J.J.'s odd behavior. As they crossed the bullpen to sit at their desks, he tossed his head in the junior detective's general direction. Out of the corner of his eye he could see J.J. staring at him again. "It's just that, ever since I got here this morning, J.J. has been acting funny."

He didn't miss the relieved look that crossed his companion's face as Ryo shrugged. "Vice did use his sharp shooting in a bust a couple of days ago, but other than that?" He shrugged again. "Not that I know of."

"Which case were you and Drake out on this morning?" And with that conversation between them moved back into neutral, professional territory.

The rest of the day passed quickly as Ryo caught him up on all the new cases that had cropped up while he was gone as well as the breaks they'd had in a few old ones. 

When Dee saw the official notations on a couple of cases stating that Ryo had been reassigned due to officer temperament, his eyebrows nearly met his hairline but he managed not to question it.

Likewise, Ryo made no comment on the fact that Dee didn't once try to get up in his personal space or make any sort of sexual insinuation though he surely noticed.

Despite the hesitations on both sides, Dee was encouraged by the overall sense of friendship and companionship that reined over their interaction. For the first time in two weeks he really felt like he could make it work. He could accept Ryo's friendship and not pressure the man for more. He could work with his partner without feeling like he was ripping his heart out. He was floating on the high of that positive feeling as they prepared to leave for the day.

"Bicky will be glad to see you tonight. He won't admit it, but he was worried about you. How does spaghetti sound for dinner?"

His crash back to reality was brutal as he just stared at Ryo. Of course the man would just assume he was coming over. In the two years they'd been partners he could count on two hands the number of times he'd actually gone back to his own apartment for dinner if one of them wasn't sick or injured. But Dee knew he couldn't do it.

Keeping his mind occupied with work, he'd managed to ignore his feelings for his partner for the better part of the day. At the man's apartment without that distraction he knew he couldn't do it.

His will would break down before he got in the door.

With jerky movements, he grabbed his jacket and pulled it on as he made his escape. "Sorry, Ryo. I promised Penguin I'd help her with something. I'll take a rain check, okay?" The last bit was tossed over his shoulder as he walked across the bullpen as fast as he could without looking like he was running.

Glancing over his shoulder at his bewildered partner, his last thought as he walked out the door was simple and for once, that annoying little voice in his head didn't disagree with him at all.

_I am so fucked._

~*~*~  
Author's Notes:  
Grr.... I've decided that I'm never going to be happy with my work. It's just not possible. So... I'll just post it as it is and change it only if you guys think it's horrible and needs to be changed. Otherwise I'm never going to get anything done because I'll spend the rest of eternity tweaking the damn thing. Does it seem fragmented to you? My own though processes become so erratic at times that I can't tell... *takes deep breathes* N-e-ways.... now that that's out of the way, on to your regularly scheduled note.  
Well, it's starting to look like you can expect and update a month. I hope that's not too long between parts... and I will work on making better time. Of course, as each part is getting longer, I might not be able to do much about it.^_^;; This ended up being far more person to person interaction than the other pieces. I didn't really intend for that to happen, but I hope it didn't detract from the fic too much. And once more it ended far more abruptly than I'd planned. *sighs* Maybe one of these days I can learn how to smooth that out, ne? But for now we seem to be stuck with it.  
I realize that Dee is being especially hard on himself but remember, he's taken a good hard look at his behavior with Ryo and is seeing it in the worst possible light- far worse than even Ryo has ever seen it. Add that to his ever-persistent idea (in this story anyways) that his own pushy behavior caused Arnon's death and of course he's going to be hard on himself.  
Next part... J.J. or Ryo? I'm having a bit of trouble deciding.... Hmm.. Oh well... Many thanks to all the people who have read and reviewed this fic- despite my own neuroticism about my writing. ^_^;; I'd also like to thank Swordy for getting me over my little stumbling block in the middle. It was much appreciated- I have to give full credit of the Chief's phone call to her... I had Dee stuck in the office with no way to get him out. So.. Thanks! Ja! NemKess

1) Janet is the woman that directs Ryo up to the Criminal Investigation Department in the very first few pages of the first Manga.  



	6. Ryo

Title: Weary at Heart  
Ryo  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

~*~*~

As Ryo pulled on his jacket with sharp jerky movements, he mentally reviewed the day that had just past by looking for the answer to one very important question.

What the **Hell** had just happened?

One second he and Dee had been working with reasonable companionship and then, quite suddenly, he was standing there watching the door swing shut behind his partner.

The day had started off badly when he'd gotten to the station and realized that Dee was not yet back from wherever he'd disappeared to. J.J. had been pulled out of the bullpen by the Vice Lieutenant who had another operation he wanted to talk to the sharp shooter about, which meant that when the call had come in about the latest victim of their newest case, he and Drake had been sent out to deal with it.

It wasn't that he didn't like Drake. The detective was infinitely preferable to work with than J.J., Ted, or god forbid- Rose. But.. well.. He just wasn't Dee. In the last two years, he and Dee had come to work together like a well-oiled machine. They knew each others silent languages. In any given situation, they knew what the other was going to do and adjusted their own actions accordingly. 

Short months after they'd first been partnered together, they'd been sitting in his apartment watching a cop show that Dee had insisted was too funny to be missed. When the blonde haired cop in the show had grinned at his new Mountie partner (something that Ryo still hadn't figured out how had come about) and said something about 'duets' Dee had jumped up and hugged him. "See, that's it! That's what we are, Ryo. A duet!" It had been an oddly poetic moment even if it had been precipitated by the most bizarre television show he'd ever been subjected to(1).

He'd been skeptical at first, but over the past two years he'd come to realize that that's exactly what the were. A duet. A set of perfect partners, each one's strengths compensating for the other's weaknesses. 

So it had been frustrating trying to deal with someone else's partner no matter how competent the detective in question might have been.

When they'd arrived back at the station, annoyed with one another, Drake had made a beeline for where J.J. had secluded himself into a corner and Ryo had stopped dead at seeing Dee sitting at his desk frowning quietly over paperwork.

Two weeks of hurt and anger and worry had bubbled up and he'd had Dee up and to the break room before his brain had caught up with his actions. He'd been vaguely ashamed of himself for treating his partner as if he was little better than a common criminal, but his fury had washed away his usual calm.

Then he'd looked more closely at Dee's face and seen the pain and shame that colored the usually cocky man's expression. In that moment he'd felt like he'd kicked an abused puppy and his anger had slipped away as if it had never been. Dee's insistence that he'd never have taken the time off if he'd actually allowed himself to think about it had made it's own impact as the Chief's talk of 'issues' had been abruptly remembered and he'd given in to his urge to comfort. 

Dee had leaned back, accepting the comfort, and for a brief second, life had slid back into focus. The world was rotating on it's axis properly again and all was right in his world.

Until the body he'd held had stiffened suddenly and disappeared again, figuratively if not literally, and he was left grasping at nothing. 

The rest of the day had revolved around work, both neatly avoiding awkward personal questions. 

He hadn't even felt this separated from his partner that very first day when they'd met in the Chief's office. Dee seemed to be making a conscious effort to stay out of his personal space, something that had never happened before. Ryo had put aside the uneasy feeling he'd been getting all afternoon and extended the dinner invitation, wanting to let his partner know how much he'd been missed and how very glad he was to have him back. 

It was the first time in the two years that he'd known the dark haired detective, that Dee had ever turned down a such an invitation. Often, he just showed up with little or no warning and helped himself.

Likewise, it was the first time since he'd been introduced to Penguin that he hadn't been invited to help with whatever Dee was supposed to be doing at the orphanage. Which of course, led him to doubt the truthfulness of the excuse.

The worries and suspicions of the previous two weeks came crashing back. Something was obviously wrong with his partner. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed J.J. still staring at the door Dee had vanished through. There was an odd look on his face, part longing part something else.

Ryo couldn't help but shift uncomfortably at the open expression. Dee had been the first openly homosexual- '_It's bisexual, __Dammit_'- person that he'd ever known and even after two years, it made him uneasy to see such desire displayed so openly.

Then his cop instinct zeroed in on the something else. It wasn't pity really... But definitely in the same ballpark. Empathy? Sympathy? Neither of which were emotions that J.J. could usually be seen sporting. 

Dee was right. J. J. was acting oddly. 

J.J. hadn't tried to hug Dee, Dee hadn't tried to hug him.

Ryo sighed in frustration. They were both behaving oddly and he didn't like it one little bit.

Making sure he had everything and that his desk was in order, the sandy haired detective left the station. Luckily, traffic between the station and his apartment kept his mind off the current puzzles of his partner and his co-worker.

Too soon, though, he was parking and trudging up the stairs in his building. 

Bicky and Cal were expecting him to bring Dee home for dinner.

All were anxious to see that he was all right. The way he'd left and the two weeks of silence afterwards had worried them all- even Bicky who'd rather cut out his own tongue than admit to it.

Dee was an important part of all their lives and none had quite realized just how much of those little empty spaces he'd filled until he'd been gone.

How was he going to explain to them that Dee **wasn't** all right? Especially since he had no clue what was wrong.

It had felt odd, somehow, entering his home without Dee. The feeling was intensified now that he knew where his partner was and he was still coming home alone. How long had it been since he'd had to cope with that? Dee had made it his personal mission to make sure that Ryo was never lonely.

Shaking off his sudden melancholy, Ryo unlocked his door and slipped off his shoes. "Bicky? Cal?" he called.

When he received no answer, he sighed again and moved to the kitchen. Spaghetti wasn't much of a challenge, even when it was homemade, but perhaps making it would still help take his mind off things and relax him. He should have planned a more elaborate meal.

He was in the middle of chopping up an onion, hot tears streaming down his cheeks, when the front door opened. "Ryo?! Moron?"

"In here, Bicky," he answered, dreading the moment the kids realized that Dee wasn't there.

His foster son sauntered in, careless grin in place, only to stop suddenly when he noticed that Ryo was alone. The abruptness caught Cal by surprise and she plowed into his back. "Bicky!"

The boy's bright blue eyes narrowed as he took in Ryo's face and the glaring absence of the last member of their odd little family. With a weak smile, the detective held up the onion as an explanation for his tears though in reality more than a handful of them were caused by his chaotic thoughts concerning Dee.

Worry and suspicion were vying to be the dominant expression on Bicky's face while Cal just looked upset as she too noticed Dee absence. "Ryo?" 

"He's back, he just had errands to run for Mother Maria." The excuse sounded as lame when he said it as it had when it had come out of Dee's mouth. The dark-skinned boy's face tightened briefly and for a second Ryo could read dozens of emotions and reactions in his eyes. Fear, worry, disbelief, anger. It all flashed by far to quickly for the adult to actually sort through any of it. And then, just as suddenly, Bicky's expression shut down completely.

"Whatever," he muttered.

Ryo and Cal shared a concerned look, but there was nothing else to say. 

With a sigh, Ryo quickly finished up dinner. Whatever progress that had been made between Bicky and Dee had undoubtedly just been lost and he didn't know what to do about it, for either of them.

Whatever was wrong with Dee, he hoped it worked itself out.

Soon.

Because without him, nothing else quite fit together. 

~*~*~

Author's Notes  
^_^;; This got written in random stream of consciousness sentences that I then had to go back and weave together in a way that made sense. I hope it turned out all right. Yes, I'm neurotic, and yes, I was tempted to go back and mess with it some more.. but I'm resisting. Ja! NemKess 

1) I simply adore Due South and this was in no way meant to diss the show. I think Benton Fraser and Ray Kowalski are everything that a pair of partners (life or cop or otherwise) should be. Not to mention I'm just a little in lust with Callum Keith Rennie. ^_^;;; 

Notes to Reviewers  
Thank You to everyone who reviewed. And special thanks to those who took the time to tell me what an idiot I am. lol. Neurotic writers need that every now and then. ^_~ 

I had individual notes to everyone written, but looking over them realized that I repeated myself a lot. It seems like just about everyone has the same questions and fears, so I'll just offer a blanket response. 

I will not abandon this fic. No matter how neurotic I get about it, I consider it to be one of my better pieces and it's a favorite. Maybe that's **why** I get so uptight about it. I will not kill off any main characters. There will undoubtedly be mentions of Arnon and Jess's deaths, and of course, your random criminal and witness might kick the bucket, but Dee, Ryo, Bicky, Cal, J.J., Drake, Chief, Ted, Penguin and even Rose are completely safe from an untimely end. It's my other, non-posted, FAKE fic that kills one of them. ^_~ .. Now, J.J.... well... ^_^ I guess you'll see. Seriously though, he's just having a mature moment. Time wise... FAKE is not my only fandom and WaH is not my only fic. I also write in PSME, WK, and HP as well as the occasional Gravi or GW fic. So, I tend to rotate between them. I am trying to put out parts on fairly regular basis though. So... Does that cover everything? ^_^ 


	7. Dee

Title: Weary at Heart  
Dee4  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee   
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmusesmsn.com  
Other websites: ff.net  
Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

"One more, Hans!"

The blonde bartender sighed and shook his head. "I'm not sure, Laytner... don't you think you've had enough?"

Dee tilted back precariously on his perch and looked back with a considering gaze... well.. as considering as one could get when their eyes were practically floating in alcohol. "Dun know.... Ask me why I'm drinking."

Showing the wisdom that seemed inherent in bartenders everywhere, Hans gave in to the inevitable and poured the drink as he asked the question. He'd seen the scene too frequently recently not to know how this was going to go. "Why are you drinking Laytner?"

Nodding amicably, Dee accepted the drink. Smart man, his favorite bartender. "I am drinking because I am an asshole."

Or was it because his partner was an asshole?

He'd had enough to drink finally that it was starting to blur. Surely it was him... Ryo wasn't an asshole... Was he?

The dark haired detective decided that it didn't matter, in the end it was all the same.

How long had it been since the historic moment when he'd turned down that first dinner? Dee had lost count of the days. Ryo had asked again the second day and Dee had nearly retched at the disappointment and betrayal that had filled those dark Japanese American eyes. Every day Ryo asked and every day Dee's excuses got lamer and lamer. Until yesterday when things had finally come to a head and his partner had nearly shoved him down the steps with a heated 'Fuck You, then'.

Today Ryo hadn't asked.

Hell, they'd barely spoken ten civil words to one another through out the entire day- and those had been work related.

Every day the Chief had asked if he should put the transfer papers through and every day Dee said 'not yet'.

Not yet....

Dee just couldn't let go yet.

So for the past however long, he'd turned down Ryo's invitations and stumbled down to the gay-friendly bar across from his apartment building to try and find a little one night companionship to take his mind off things. Though his natural good looks had produced more than one offer, Dee had turned down each and every offer until, like Ryo, they stopped making them. In the end, he spent each night drinking himself into a stupor and generally feeling sorry for himself..

A tiny corner of his mind had remained logical enough through his own self-disgust to point out that if Ryo really felt like he was getting sexually assaulted on a regular basis then the other detective would never have even issued the first invitation, never mind all the ones that had come after. Unfortunately it was a very small corner and easily buried and ignored under the weight of his own conviction.

"Dee-sempai?"

Twirling his stool seat around, Dee wobbled and would have toppled to the floor if his lavender haired co-worker hadn't been there to catch him. "J.J.! Hey buddy! How ya been?"

At least Dee was a friendly drunk, even if it was a sad kind of friendliness.

"I'm fine, Dee-sempai. But don't you have the morning shift tomorrow?" There was mild disapproval in the other man's voice, but it was couched in sympathy.

As if J.J. knew what was wrong and felt bad for him.

He hung limply in his friend's arms for a moment before snuggling closer to J.J.'s neck. "Dun wanna go.... he'll be there... won't ask again..." Dee was tempted to just curl around this sympathetic, accepting individual and bawl his eyes out. His pride, damaged as it was at the moment, simply wouldn't allow him. He felt gentle hands comb through his hair and thought he'd be sick.

Was it going to be like this for the rest of his life? Would the very thought of turning to anyone besides Ryo always tie him up in knots?

If so, life was going to get very lonely.

TBC

Author's Notes:  
I know this took a while and I apologize for that. I also apologize for the shortness of this chapter. I've been agonizing over how to make it longer for a while now, but honestly, it wrapped itself up and refused to budge from this ending (of the chapter, not the fic). J.J is, obviously, next in the chapter queue and he'll finally answer the question of just why he's been acting so strangely. I'd like to take a moment to thank every person who's reviewed this fic, positively, negatively, neutrally, whatever. I really do appreciate each and every one. It's so cool to have a fic that has almost 200 reviews. Thanks- NemKess


	8. JJ

Title: Weary at Heart  
J.J  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Fake  
Pairing: Ryo/Dee  
Rating: PG  
Archive: anywhere is fine too as long as you let me know.  
E-mail address for feedback: Other websites: Disclaimers: Fake belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine.  
Summary: Dee finally takes Ryo's rejection seriously.

* * *

Wrinkling his nose, J.J. tossed his ruined shirt into the trashcan and sighed.

He'd managed to get Dee away from the bar and they'd gone to an all night cafe where they'd talked for a bit. He'd been pretty proud of himself for talking the other detective into eating something. It was pretty obvious just from looking at him that Dee had been missing meals regularly for a while now.

But perhaps he should have just settled for getting some strong coffee into the man, he acknowledged with a wry look at the mess. His shirt wasn't worth the bother of trying to salvage it and the smell of puke was going to linger on his shoes for a while, even if he did manage to get it all off the high dollar leather.

Dee had offered J.J. use of his shower and a change of clothes, genuinely remorseful even if it had been at least partially J.J.'s own fault.

He'd waved away the apology but his own apartment was quite a ways away and he'd gratefully accepted the hospitality. Even if he hadn't needed to wash up, J.J. couldn't really imagine that he'd have left Dee to his own drunken devices anyways. Dee needed him and J.J. was still very much in love with the other man. More than that, they were friends.

With a sigh, he buried his face in the damp towel he'd been drying his hair with and gave a pitiful groan.

It just wasn't fair.

Over the course of their conversation at the cafe, Dee had been too far gone to brake his mouth. The depressed detective hadn't gone into any sort of details about the situation with Ryo, but he'd said enough for J.J. to figure out what had probably happened. Dee thought he'd almost done something unforgivable and Ryo- in his eternal denial and obliviousness- had made it a hundred times worse.

Considering who they were and what he'd learned about Dee's past, it wasn't surprising.

If only he hadn't see that damned file. If only that itchy curiosity that made him such a damn good detective hadn't prodded him into doing a little extracurricular investigating on his own.

Maybe he could have continued to pursue Dee with the same blind fervor he'd always had before.

Instead he'd come to realize just what a gift he'd been given in the dark haired man's trust and friendship. And while it wasn't quite the visions of wild sex and happy cuddles he'd often pictured for them, J.J. knew he would be a very happy man as long as he could keep that friendship.

It broke his heart to see Dee's current downward spiral.

J.J. wasn't exactly religious, but at that moment, he was very sure that God was laughing his ass off over the giant cosmic joke that he'd arranged.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Author's Notes:  
Okay, I know, I know. This is a pathetically small chapter. Hopefully you all will forgive me for that, but I know how long it's been hanging, so... I wrote this twice actually, the first time with a lot more details, but it ended up being so bogged down with nothingness and details that J.J. and his pov just got lost in the quagmire. I took the original and decided to divide it up into three smaller chapters (Bicky and Ryo come in here shortly). Those two parts are being edited and beta'd right now, so hopefully they'll be out shortly and no one will kill me for how short **this** one is. I've also gone through some note thinning and soul searching and I can honestly say that I think this fic is close to being wrapped up. So cross your fingers and send up some good vibes and wishes! Thanks for holding out as long as you have. I never imagined when I started this fic that it would drag on this long. Sorry ;-) NemKess 


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